Skinny White Bitch, the tongue- in-cheek name I have given the white cane provided to me less than two weeks ago by my mobility instructor. An accessory which once embraced will afford me more freedom and confidence. Part of the training consists of being blindfolded while I attempt to navigate dependent solely upon the feedback received from the cane.
Tonight I found myself resisting the cane as if I was being forced into a relationship with a stranger. My personal space violated by the very object trying to liberate me; a tug-of-war between obstinate pride and the knowing discernment of how different things could be if I would only submit.
I have felt this feeling before: As a child, I feared the water before I learned how to swim.
One of my greatest fears in the last several years has been navigating stairs unaccompanied. Tonight my mobility instructor encouraged me to face this fear…BLINDFOLDED. I was alone except for the cane which she placed in my hand: I wanted to both curse it and hang on to it with all my strength. In all honesty, I did both. I knew I couldn’t make it down the stairs successfully without it, and that was truly the hardest reality to accept.
Blindfolded, I felt my toes rigidly curl on the edge of the top stairstep. As instructed, I moved the cane ahead of me and slowly bridged the gap between my feet and the cane. At a snail's pace, I continued down the carpeted stairs in this fashion until I heard the cane tap loudly onto the tile floor.
I hadn’t realized during the journey that sweat had saturated the back of my neck and tears were pooled inside the edge of my blindfold. Mentally and emotionally, it truly was the longest flight of stairs I have ever traveled. BUT I MADE IT. I made it fully dependent upon something I couldn’t see nevertheless I knew was there to guide me if I only submitted, trusted, and practiced the right ways.
I have felt this feeling before: I doubted myself before I allowed Christ to be my sole guide.
I still sometimes fight God and stubbornly try to will my own freedom, my own ways, my own direction. This is certainly doable, but the level of freedom and victory pales in comparison to the places God will take me if I only submit, trust, learn and follow His ways. As daunting as the road is sometimes, and as frightful the feeling of having my toes curl on the edge of the unknown, I love you, God, and commit to you with all my heart, mind, and soul.
Thank you for being my savior: the true One that always goes before me. Your vision for me will forever be greater than my own.
You are so correct Tiffany, His vision is greater than we can comprehend. Know that I will ALWAYS be by your side...with Him, as He guides us to His glory.
I love you!
Noah
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When I read this response I feel like I'm reading a romance novel.
I wonder what you feel when you read it. Do your eyes well with tears? Do the corners of your mouth curl with a smile? Does your brow furrow with curiosity?
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As I was reading this blog and wiping away tears, I found myself chuckling. First at the thought of my wonderful friend fighting a silly stick with all her attempt at a "SPIRITUAL TANTRUM". Then my thoughts turned to my St. Bernard, Rosie.
You see, Rosie has NEVER accepted walking on a leash. When collared and buckled up, she pulls and bucks like a wild bull. Her spirit is so loving and free, that the thought of being tied down to something drives her insane. The limited motion is more than she can bear. She does not realize that by allowing herself to be tied down to this "rope", the world outside her home would be opened to her. New smells, new people, new freedoms that she will never see. She has been "chained" by her fear, not realizing the self-created prison that has surrounded her.
We do this to ourselves all the time. The glorious freedoms that our Father wishes to bless us with are all too often seen as inconveniences and threats to our lives.
Clutching onto His feet for salvation is much like clutching onto the white cane. The grip may be slippery from sweat and forced, but the sweetness of the freedom He promises is worth the tantrum.
Ps. 32:9-10 says "Do not be like the horse or the mule, which have no understanding
but must be controlled by bit and bridle
or they will not come to you.
Many are the woes of the wicked,
but the Lord's unfailing love
surrounds the man who trusts in Him."
Trust in Him my sweet friend, and I will help you clutch onto that stick.
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Some people must draw deeper from the well of strength and living water than others. Your challenges take you deeper into a world many of us never know-yet we complain. There is much struggle in deeper waters, but much wisdom and love as you conquer your fears. You inspire the rest of us!
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Thank you for putting things in "God" perspective for me. You are so blessed with an amazing gift.
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Curse that beloved white cane, for it shall set you and me out into the world of all of God's glory, for without it I stumble a lot! With it I can walk graciously without tripping or running into those polls that pop-out from no where. God blesses us with the ability to not have a disability but ability to thrive during our challenges.
Peace, Hope, Love, the greatest of these . . . . .
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